Single mum having problems with sons 

Single mum having problems with sons

Q."I am a single mother with a 7 year old daughter (Caitlin), and two sons (Tom, 9 & Liam, 11). Cait is doing fine, but I am having real problems with the too boys.

Tom has learning difficulties at school, but seems to behave fine there. It is when he comes home that we get all the temper tantrums.

Liam just seems to hate me. He is always rude, and never shows any affection towards me.

Liam's dad never visits, and Tom's dad died when he was a baby. I am so stressed, what am I doing wrong?"

A. I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time with them.

Parenting is supposed to be fun! Well, most of the time, anyway.

First of all, blaming yourself will get you nowhere. Like the rest of us, you have probably made loads of bad decisions in the past. So what?

The question is where do you go from here to make the best of what you have at present. Your daughter is doing well - so you must be doing something right as a mum! It is also good news that your younger son is doing well at school. 

If he is able to settle down and work, even though he has learning difficulties, that is very encouraging.

However, you might want to check with the school about how much he is struggling there, as it may be that he is bringing his frustrations home. Both sons are probably feeling the lack of their dads. 

It is very difficult to work on this. In some ways it is probably easier for the younger one. "A dead dad is better than an uncaring dad" since there is no ongoing rejection involved.

Obviously there is not much you can do about the absent dad. All you can do is be matter of fact about it. Don't try to defend him, nor overly criticise him - if you do the former, your son will feel you are taking the "loser dad's " side instead of his. 

If you criticise him, your son will rush to defend him, after all, he is his dad. Remember that you cannot change the children.

You can only change yourself. So, in what ways could you be different that would make life more peaceful for yourself? Surprisingly, if you can find ways to be more positive yourself, it will probably result in the kids also being more positive. 

Conversely, if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got. Most of all, believe in yourself and your children.

Don't look back, look to the future and decide how you want it to be. Think in positive terms i.e. don't think about what you don't want, or what you worry about, think instead about what desired outcomes you do want.

Don't expect to get there in one day, but look for tiny little steps that will gradually take you there. And then do what it takes to get there. 

It will take a bit of effort at first, but then, living like you do now also takes effort. Read what you can. Talk to other parents. You will get there if you are prepared to make the effort.

The author of Single mum having problems with sons is Dr Noel Swanson MD

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